Embrace Your Destiny: Make Some Cookies

He plants my daffodils and I enjoy them

 “Ouch! You’re squeezing my hand too hard and it hurts! Do you have to hold me so tight?” This is just one of my many rants inflicted on poor Donnie, my walking partner. 

All MS patients need a Donnie. I call him "caregiver". He prefers  the term"partner".  We have both grown into helping each other. His "partner" term works well for all  the stuff that I either can’t do by myself, am too fatigued to do, or I’m not good at doing. 

 

 

 

Bar cookies are easy and quick

I make messes, and he cleans them up. He does kitchen clean-up and any other serious clean up. For example, he handles aggravating tedious things like setting up autopay for my bills and making sure all my accounts are safe. When there are insurance issues, he handles them on the phone. He is  pleasant but firm when dealing with tech support, customer service people. They seem to enjoy talking to him. 

I have no excuses for not making more cookies except that neither of us need the extra calories. Still, I do my part by trying to prepare meals with foods he loves.

 

 

Doing errands

At some point, Donnie decided he would be available in case I need him. He worries that I might fall because I do, I have. Hence, he does things that I enjoy doing and are good for me but he  wouldn’t do otherwise. Toastmasters and hot yoga both fit that category. 

I don’t have to drive much anymore. He has taken on the chauffeur role gradually. While he drives, I can do Duo French lessons or puzzles from the newspaper. At home, he makes sure I won't be doing something "dangerous" before leaving for any length of time.

You might think I feel smothered. I don’t as a rule. But, there are moments of rebellion and frustration when he puts the breaks on me doing something I don’t give a second thought to doing myself. For example, when I’m cooking and need herbs from the garden, I think nothing about taking my scissors outside to cut what I need. If he sees me in action, he will hop up, and say, “Let me do that. You’re going to fall on those scissors and kill yourself.” 

My kitchen garden

Then I say, “I can do this. I know what I need and I’m already up. Just let me do it. Well, since you are here, you can hold my basket if you like.” It’s a case of being grateful he wants to help and feeling like he doesn’t trust me to be careful at the same time. I have learned to accept unsolicited assistance over the years. Most of the time his assistance is called for. I couldn’t have my garden without his help preparing the soil. In fact, most of what I enjoy outside is his handiwork.

I asked him what he sees as the most challenging thing in being a “caregiver”. Without hesitation, he said, “Probably knowing that I don’t do things the way you want them done. Your standards are way higher than mine on most things. At least I get them done and in a timely way. I just want to be appreciated for getting them done.”

Donnie helps with entertaining

This is where I humbly agree and say, “I am grateful for everything you do. I really like the way you have just taken over putting up the bone broth and doing all the clean up afterwards. Sometimes I'll put another clean on the counter, but don’t pay any attention to my obsession. You get it done and that’s what counts.” 

We are coming up on fifty years of marriage this August. I have eaten a lot of humble pie over the years. Needless to say, I appreciate him even when he does more than I think I need. I am very fortunate he wants to do things for me. My rants are fewer now. I guess we have both learned some things over the years. I really should make cookies for him more often.